Unconditional Love

In the spirit of Valentine's Day (which was yesterday), I am moved to share with you how I feel about the term "unconditional love" and that, I believe, it can be something that is shared in lots of different forms. I count myself very fortunate to know that I have experienced, and continue to experience, unconditional love in its truest of forms in several different relationships in my life.

Relationships are everything. Without genuine connection, I think we are lost. I know that I found myself lost over the past few years because I didn't know where I stood with some of the people I love in my life, as we navigated the beginning of the pandemic and a tumultuous political climate, social change, and personal changes. Relationships are constantly being tried and tested and I think that the ultimate test is the efficacy of the word 'unconditional' when applied to love.

The way I see it is, unconditional love means there is no "tit-for-tat", there is no prerequisite and there is no sense of ownership on either side of the equation. Unconditional means that above all else, you respect where the other person is even if you don't agree with it or necessarily understand, and you love the shit out of them anyway. Let me give a few examples of what I know to be unconditional love. Unconditional Love in Friendship - I could fill a book with stories about conditional friendships I have had and even cite the ways that I created conditions of my own without realizing it. But to keep things short and sweet, it is easier to share with you the far and few between times I have experienced unconditional love in friendship. It usually comes down to being able to be 100% honest about how you are feeling or a decision you are making, when normally you would make an excuse. It doesn't have to be anything big that you are trying to get out of, or wanting to not do, that can prove an unconditional friendship.

So for example, I would say to my true and dearest loves, "I've had a shit day and I just don't feel up to hanging out tonight" and the response I receive is "I hate that you had a bad day. I'm here if you want to talk and get that you to need a night to yourself." Now, for those friends that are conditional, the response looks like this "Oh. Ok." or "Well we planned this a while ago, just come out for one drink, I haven't seen you in a long time!" See the difference?

Unconditional Love in a Spouse/Partner: I think that this one can be the trickiest to discern. When you fall in love with someone and give them your heart, something changes inside of you and creates a veil that is difficult to see through. Ever heard the term "you can't see the forest through the trees?". If you are in a relationship that brings you pleasure but also brings you pain, it can be easy to just focus on the pleasure part to sort of erase the pain when it comes. However, conditional relationships with your partner can turn you into someone you didn't expect to be.

Before I met Henry I had two long-term relationships that shaped who I became as an adult and trust me, there are some things about those relationships I am not proud of. So when Henry and I got together over 13 years ago, I brought some serious baggage of what I expected out of the relationship and what I assumed he expected of me. The past conditions/rules I thought pertained to all relationships we no longer applicable. Henry helped me see that a true partnership with a spouse is about rolling with the punches and accepting the love of your life for who they are, when they are, and how they are.

This type of love requires us to support the other person without judgment and simply guide them to grow and be better versions of themselves, with you doing the same.

Unconditional Love towards Yourself - Yeah. This one is a doozy. I am still trying to crack the code on it but I can tell you that it is a daily process that requires conscious effort. I can get completely lost in self-sabotage, judgment, guilt that I take on the "fuck-it" attitude and don't want to do any of the things that make me a better me. Healthy food choices? Nope. Exercise? Laughable. Have a positive reaction to my figure when I look in the mirror? Doubtful. But, when I am doing the things that help me keep my head on straight and accountable to bettering myself and feeling good about myself, I am kinder and easier with the way I see myself and talk to myself. For me, the things that keep me in the right headspace are: talking to my loves (my husband, my family, my dearest friends), working with my nutritionist, using my Oola Framework and Action Tracker to do the shit that I want to get done, exercising and doing something that brings me absolute pure joy which is being with my husband, son, and furbabies.

Unconditional Love for Your Kids (this includes the furbaby kind) - You may think I am nuts but I think that dogs and kids are the ones that understand unconditional love better than anyone or anything else. Just look at the way your dog looks at you. Do it right now... see? There is something so pure about the way they just want to be with you. Now, if you are a cat owner which I am too, they have their moments of showing their love for you but it is about 90% conditional upon their needs and 10% unconditional.

Now that I am a Mama and my little guy is a toddler, I see the unconditional love he shows to Henry and me and the people in our lives each day. It's unencumbered joy and simple adoration of just wanting to be with you. We can all learn from that innocence. We can learn from the undistracted toddlers that don't have worry or responsibility just a sense of desire to be a part of your day. THAT is unconditional.

There are even more types of unconditional relationships that I didn't cover here. You can find them in any relationship type as long as you recognize what is needed from each side for it to be true without requirement. You owe it yourself to spend your days in the relationships that fuel you, help you to be better, help you to do better, and bring you effortless joy. They don't come without challenges but the reward of having people (and animals) in your life that have ease and comfort is what turns living into thriving.

xo

Katie